Where are the words when I need them

This morning made me feel like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. From the time I woke up, till around 1 pm, I was cooking, driving, changing diapers, getting kids dressed, eating, feeding and loading kids in and out of the green monster (our van). Yes, I got a lot done and was so relieved to finally get back to the house and call nap time.

Half way through nap time, my husband sent me a text with a link about a man in the UK that was diagnosed with MS about a year ago. It peeked my interest, and, since I never really get to take a nap during nap time, I decided to read it. Honestly, I thought it would be about a lady with MS, since it's not very common for men to be diagnosed. So it was very interesting, and I couldn't stop reading it. It wasn't the usual article I've read for the past 13 years (that's how long I've known I have it), it was from a man's prospective, a son and a father, but at the same time, it address almost everything I have gone through. Seriously. It even reminded me of a time a couple years ago when I was talking with some ladies I know. But before I tell that, here's the link if you want to read it. http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2015/06/alphabet-months-year-living-multiple-sclerosis

Alright, I'll start off by telling you that about 5 or more years ago I heard a story about Fred Astaire talking to some actors and actresses about a serious topic. Marily Monroe walks up and tried to join in on the conversation with only hearing a little bit of what they were talking about. She was completely off on the subject and Fred just looked at her and said "sure" and then went back to talking to the other people, making Marilyn look and probably feel dumb. Anyways, that's pretty much how I felt when this happened. 

The ladies and I worked with the young women at our church. We were discussing what all we could do to help and teach them new stuff we got. I climbed in, wanting to tell them something that I didn't know, myself, at the young women's age and wanted ideas of how we could get them ready for it. Instead, I ended up telling them about something that happened to me when I went from going to church with my parents to the (what we call) singles branch. (If you want details about that, feel free to ask me) two of the ladies looked at me and said, "thanks for that story," and they moved on to talking about other things. I was so mad at myself for not saying anything even remotely close to what I wanted to say, I just sat there through the rest of the meeting. 

A year or so later, I was asked to be a Sunday School teacher with the same age group at church with another lady. Now ,you have to understand, a lot of people, for some reason, think that I'm anything but shy. Honestly, I am. I am shy. I love being around people, but if there are more than two people looking at me at once, my face goes completely red. Heck, even if one person is looking at me too long while I'm talking to them, I turn red and usually just stop talking in hopes they'll look somewhere else. Anyways, after I agreed to be a Sunday School teacher, I messaged the other teacher and asked her to help me. I asked her to keep me on track with whatever I first started talking about, if I happened to start going off on something else. She was a teacher, degree and everything, and she really was a big help. 

So I'm not sure how much of this makes sense, but there's a little more insight to my day and thought processes. 

Here we go again!

Well this summer has been one for the journals. The past couple months have been the most life changing and stressful that I think I have ever gone through. And it's taking its toll on me and letting my MS have some fun.

First, it started with one of my kids being diagnosed with autism. Wasn't a big deal to us, we still love him just the same and were kind of expecting that to be the case. 

Then, a few weeks before our baby turned 6 months, we found out that I was pregnant, yet again. Again, no bill deal to us, we have clothes, toys, books or whatever for either gender now. 

Next, came a text from my mom saying my dad had been in a car accident and was in the ICU. He ended up being just fine after a lot of pain meds and even more rest. 

But here is why it's been such a big deal. Money. For about the past year, we have been planning, shopping, and trying to fix our house up to sell. I know money is a problem for everyone, and not everyone can do things they've planned anyways, but here's the big kicker. I'm not asking for money, help or sympathy, just a chance to explain my stress. 

Since we bought our house almost 6 years ago, we have done a lot of fix it up to what it is now, just still wanted to put in hardwood flooring and replace the tiles on the kitchen and bathroom floors. After trying to level the house off with cement blocks, we finally settled on it'll take too long and best just to replace the carpet and go with linoleum for the kitchen and bathrooms. Again, why money is an issue here. 

When I'm pregnant, that costs $155 a month till I deliver the baby. Not a huge thing, we've done it before. It's the autism part that costs the most. My son has already been getting 3 different types of therapy for at least once a week for a little over 2 years now. Paying for the gas was a pain, but that is also one of the HUGE reasons to sell the house, just now, we have an even bigger one. Now that he has an official diagnoses of being autistic, the insurance company is more than willing to pay for a lot more. He gets to start a fun new therapy (new for him) called ABA therapy. The insurance company will cover unlimited visits (which is amazing), just we have to pay the co-pays. Doesn't sounds too bad right? Didn't to us either, till we were told he'll need it 5 times a week. You do the math, or think of how much you'd pay a month buying a nice BMW convertible. 

So, while we've been trying to deal with raising our 3 kids. Taking kids to dr appointments and my own dr appointments, all while being pregnant, my husband is also trying to go to school to get an MBA. I also ran off to help my dad after he got out of the hospital, taking my my youngest with me. So ya, the flooring hasn't happened yet, and we still need to either repaint the house or just do some touch up. My arms go back and forth on which one is going to be numb for that day and/or time. My Achilles, for some odd reason, refuses to let me point my toes, and my left ankle is swollen and sometimes hard to walk on. 

But we're still going and we'll get through this, just another obstacle in life we get to deal with as a family. 

Today started with tears

Before I get going, let me just say, I am one of those people that hates to cry (gives me a nasty headache) and I usually deal with hard stuff with humor. 

I am a stay at home mother of three. My days start off with me waking up and my husband has already been at work for a couple hours. Today I woke up (husband was already gone to work) and all 3 kids were still sleeping. So I thought I'd check Facebook. Bad idea. There was a video someone shared about a couple that lost their baby (made me cry of course). Then I started thinking about my kids and how lucky I am to have them in my life. 

My mind trailed off to other things that have been going on lately too. A lot of people have been asking me if we're going to have another to keep things even at 4 kids. I tell them I just had a baby and I don't know. The truth is, in my mind we already have 4 kids. 

On July 13, 2013 I has a miscarriage. I knew it was coming from the irregular heart beat on the ultrasounds and bleeding. I lost the baby while at home. My husband and I cried and held each other for at least an hour and I called and talked to a friend for probably another hour. 

The next day I wasn't sure what to do with the same fetus that we had lost. So I decided to put it in the box my wedding right came in and we buried it. 

Why the reason for this long sappy story? Because while I have been thinking about that baby I lost all day, I have also gotten more done in 3 hours trying not to stress about remembering when this happened, than I have all week. 

My MS scares me so bad that I go above and beyond to make sure I don't over stress or make myself depressed without even thinking. I didn't start crying and think, oh no I better find things to distract myself. I just got the kids out of bed and kept doing things. 

I've seen a lot of things about how a decease doesn't have a person, they have the decease. While that might work for some people, I'm alright with it either way. I know that after I found out I have MS that I started working out like crazy to keep it from doing anything. I even changed my major or college to help deal with it. 

Anyways, I know that I have become a better person, harder worker, more motivated and even happier all because of it. It shapes my life and a lot of the choices I make in it. 

Avoidance and denial

Last week I took a picture with even intention of using it for this blog. I'll even finally post it. 

 That night I was thinking, "I need to work out." So I did. I had lots of reasons why I was doing it that night, a lot more than usual. Mostly my back. The upper half of my back is numb and has been that way for about a year now. Bad part, and why it was pushing me to work out that night, is that now all of the upper half of my back feels numb. 

I also had a baby (7 weeks ago at the time that picture was taken) and was told by my doctor that I didn't have any restrictions. Now that really should be put a bit differently, or at least I should know better. I have been feeling fat and out of shape, so I decided to do some light jogging in place in the safety of my living room. Laugh all you want about jogging in place at home, but it works. I did really well! I lasted half way through my work out playlist and decided to stop while I was ahead. I'm guessing it jogged for about 20 minutes with hardly any discomfort to anything (both my knees are bad by the way and swollen). Since that night though I've only done some light weight lifting and some leg work at home. 

Here's where things get good. Last night my husband basically kicked me out of the house to go to the gym and work off my cabin fever and the stresses of being a stay at he mom with 3 small children. He knows that after I work out I really do feel and act like a new person, also the woman he married, and not a stressed out quick tempered Irish girl. And I also remember back when I was 17 and told that I couldn't do anymore high impact sports (running, basketball, volleyball, eft) with MS. So what. I didn't really listen then or in college. What was so wrong about doing it now? I just had a baby that's what's wrong. Although it had been 2 months since I had my baby my MS and body were very quick to tell me no. 

When I got to the gym I was feeling pretty good and was going to just do my regular thing while there of starting on the treadmill for a quick warm up,then onto the machines and free weights and finish with a stationary bike for my cardio/cool down. HA! I got on the treadmill feeling a little chubby/impatient and remembering how well I did with jogging at home. So instead of a brisk walk at 3.5, I thought I'd bump it up to 4.0. I forgot to stop at 4 and went to 4.5 and ended up jogging a little faster than what I thought I was doing at home. About a minute later my left leg started feeling a bit strange. I thought I'd just push through it. (Here's the good part) At 1 minute 47 seconds my left leg went numb. It only took about one minute and thirty seconds for my MS and body to bring me back to reality. 

I kept my warm up to just 5 minutes (mostly because I didn't want to end up being one of the fail videos that my husband watches) and then went on to work on arms and back. 

 As my work out went on I kept thinking about if I should tell my neurologist about this or not. I opted for not because it would end up costing me more for the physical therapy and steroids that would just put more weight on me.

 Thankfully, the feeling in my leg slowly started to come back during my cool down, but instead of doing that on a bike, I decided to use an arc climber. I was doing great for the fist 5 minutes. Then I started to slow down and things started getting a little fuzzy. Then I started remembering an article about a runner with MS that would run to her coach and collapse after she finished and why I usually use the bike. I grabbed the arm supports and prayed I wasn't going to pass out. I didn't. I slowly got down and casually walked to the front desk and asked for a coin to use the massage chair. After that I used the hydro massage bed and felt much better. 

Then I had the nerve to drive home. That's when I found out that not all the numbness was gone, it just decided to take up camp in my left arm. Yay....